I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You ruined the universe
Randomize
