Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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