Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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