I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
