I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
