You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
