I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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