I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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