Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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