Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
