I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
