Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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