final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
