Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
