The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
