a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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