When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
