You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
