I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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