I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
