btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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