Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize