if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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