She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
