Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
