one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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