So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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