I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
