Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
