Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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