Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
