i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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