Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
