Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
