gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
