Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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