so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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