just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
