saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want nice things and good sex
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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