we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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