Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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