Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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