she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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