my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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