I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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