You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
