I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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