You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
