i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
