1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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