Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
