im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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