I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
