Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
