Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
