with your own penis?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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