Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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