Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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