You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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