Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
